I love Survivor. For anybody who hasn’t caught onto this reality phenomenon, Survivor is, essentially, the original reality competition show. From its premiere in 2000, this show has seen 23 seasons, plenty of exotic locations all around the world, and a whole lot of backstabbing. The format is simple: a group of people are divided into tribes, compete for rewards and immunity, and are forced to vote a person “off the island” at the end of each episode. While some may dismiss it as mindless escapism, I think Survivor has five valuable life lessons to teach all of us if we’re willing to listen

You have to either be really good at what you do or a really good liar to get ahead. This is probably the lesson the show pounds into your head the most; if you can’t win the immunity challenges, you better work on your poker face. Just like Richard Hatch perfected the game in the very first season, I have learned that there is definitely a vital “social gaming” aspect to life. You can’t just excel at something and go straight to the top unless you’re really good at it. Take college applications for example: we can’t all say we were totally honest in our admissions essay. We have to know how to make ourselves look and sound better. If I hadn’t been obsessed with Survivor, I’d still be stuck within the silly boundaries of integrity. And integrity, my friends, is a bit overrated.

Sometimes the means do justify the ends. Work with me here. Everybody who won Survivor has probably had to do one questionable thing along the way that ended up helping him or her win. Even if it may have seemed, well, “mean.” I don’t intend to imply that all means justify all ends. No, I have just learned through my Survivor experiences that when the end is worth it, that can be a valid excuse for being somewhat of a jerk. It’s a fight to the finish, in this show and in life, and the ones who aren’t willing to really fight are the ones sitting in the top row at the finale, voted out first and completely unmemorable.

Don’t play all your cards too soon. Survivor loves to cast the archetype of the Person Who’s Just Here to Play the Game. More often than not, this person comes in on day one with a devious scheme to go to the end. Sadly, this big planner usually isn’t long for this world because he or she laid it all out there too soon. When you meet a new group of people, do you explode with personality, throw it all out there and hope something sticks? If so, you may want to rethink your strategy. Sometimes, you need to sit back, assess the situation, and then make your move. The countless premature castaways have taught me that all too well.

Trust anyone you want, as long as you understand that humans are ultimately in it for themselves. Often on Survivor, you see people regretfully accepting that in life, you just can’t trust anyone. I don’t know if that’s entirely true. Survivor itself is proof that you can trust people; you just have to know how far you can throw them. We are, by nature, selfish beings. Even the nicest people have moments of self-interest. When $1,000,000 are on the line, this is especially apparent. How often do we see a Final Four Super-Alliance form on Day One, only to fall apart halfway through the game? Trust is a nasty, sneaky idea, and is often the key ingredient in every Survivor victory or failure. The ultimate truth is this: trust is the most valuable currency. Just make sure you don’t give out too much of it, or you could end up off of the Island of Life and flat-out broke.

You really can’t do it alone. I realize this is in almost direct contradiction to what I have already said, but even through my jaded lens, the most important lesson Survivor has taught me is the ultimate Paradox of Life: Nobody makes it without friends, but everyone is trying to be on top. Not a single Survivor winner did it on their own. There was at least one vote that they had to trust people to give them, at least one person who was on their side. And that is the ultimate lesson to take from this show; no matter what means you use to get to the end, how many lies you have to tell, or who you trust, people need other people to survive.

(text by: Ethan Young)

I’ve been a How I Met Your Mother addict for years. And when I say “addict”, I don’t mean that I’ve just seen every episode. I’ve seen every episode at least twenty times.   I drive my friends crazy every time I say “Oh, there’s a How I Met Your Mother episode about that…” Marshall, Ted, Lily, Robin and Barney have been my close friends for almost seven years, and even though it’s a cheesy multi-cam sitcom with a laugh track, the show has taught me some of my most important life lessons.

1.     Be a loyal friend. All the time. Forever.

If HIMYM has taught him anything, it’s that when you’re a 20-something, your friends are your family. But let’s be real, sometimes your friends can be really annoying. They can be going through a huge break-up, and be crying in your living room every day (Marshall, who got dumped after nine years with Lily in Where Were We 2x01), and ask to sleep on your couch when they have no where to stay (Robin, in Not a Father’s Day 4x07), but at the end of the day, you’ve got to be there for them. You need to give them your best advice, even if you don’t really know what you’re talking about. They’re the most important people in your life, and you have to be there to pick them up when they’re on the ground. Even if they’re kicking, screaming, drunk and unemployed. They’ll give it back to you one day.

2.     Fight for the one you love.

Yeah, Ted’s kind of an idiot. And he’s pretentious. And he usually falls in love with super annoying chicks. (Victoria? Yeah. She can stay in Germany.) But dude knows what he wants. He spent all of the first season pursuing Robin, and even did a Native American rain dance on the roof of a building, hoping to stop her from going on a work retreat so she wouldn’t hook up with a co-worker (Come On 1x22). Ted has taught me a lot about what not to do when pursuing someone, but his passion and determination to find the love of his life is annoyingly inspirational. Ted loves completely, and refuses to settle. So every time I wonder if I should go for someone who might be for me, I always find myself watching the scene in “Come On” where Ted hires an entire blue orchestra and fills Robin’s apartment with red roses. Crazy? Yes. But as Robin’s vet (for her five dogs) points out later, no one does that. When it’s someone you love, you’ve gotta fight.

3.     “When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead” (“Where Were We” 2x01)

Barney (the undeniably awesome NPH) is all about taking life by the throat and punching it in the face (and also banging trashy chicks). Barney is also known for throwing around the word awesome a lot. More than a lot. In about every other sentence. But this line has always stuck with me. Barney is a narcissistic and admittedly unrealistic character, but he’s got a point there. What’s the use in moping and feeling sorry for yourself, when you can get out there and kick your life into high gear instead?  So whenever I’m feeling lonely or like a loser, I just stare at the fighter jets on the wall next to my bed, suit the hell up, and go make my own happiness.

(text by: Erin Doolin)

Using the term lightly.  Just as 90s-style programming seems like a big influence in the drama department, it seems like not being funny was the big influence on this year’s comedy field.

MONDAY: 

2 Broke Girls, 8.30-9, CBS  (Sept 19)

One poor girl and one rich girl who’s losing money wait tables and live together while hoping to make bank and get into crazy antics.  Sounds relatable enough.

Should you watch?  Depends on your tolerance level of Kat Dennings.  If you like her, definitely check it out.  This is one of the better looking comedies of the year.

TUESDAY:

Last Man Standing, 8-8.30, ABC  (Oct 11)

Tim Allen is apparently the only man in this show (which is a lie because I’m looking at the promo art and there’s definitely another dude) and it seems like he’s getting into all kinds of gender-related nonsense.  I’m bored typing this already.

Should you watch?  Never.  No one likes Tim Allen.  No one wants to see Tim Allen on TV again.  This will either get cancelled after two weeks or after ten years.  Both outcomes are sad.

New Girl, 9-9.30, Fox  (Sept 20)

When a cooky and unique girl breaks up with her boyfriend, she gets some cool dude friends to live with.  They teach her what’s up in life, and don’t even try to sleep with her!  Yet.

Should you watch?  It sounds like it’d be on Emerson Channel and shot in the LB, but so far, word says this one’s pretty great.  Give it a spin.  Unless Zooey’s voice and fake glasses put you on edge.  If that’s the case, run far before you OD on ZD.

WEDNESDAY: 

I Hate My Teenage Daughter, 9.30-10, Fox  (Nov 23)

I hate that this show exists.  Bitchy moms bitch about their bitchy daughters.  Hopefully this one too gets cancelled after a week and a half of hard work.

Should you watch?  No.  There’s also a ridiculously over-the-top loud laugh track.  And it’s not funny.

 Up All Night, 8-8.30, NBC  (Sept 14)

Being a comedy on NBC that isn’t on Thursday must be like sitting at the lunch table next to the really hot girls.  This one’s about showing how hard it is to raise a new baby!  Sounds really boring.  But it’s got funny people.  But it sounds really boring.

Should I watch?  It could be a show that builds steam over time, but do you care enough to even get invested?  Tricky to judge.  Maybe snag a few epps to see if you like Will Arnett acting like Gob Bluth again, but don’t go crazy.

Whitney, 9.30-10, NBC  (Sept 22)

Whitney plays Whitney.  You know, she’s that cool chick who’s willing to be a little gross and live for five years with her unmarried boyfriend.  Maybe the Peacock boys at NBC thought this would be a good holdover until 30 Rock comes back in January, but it’s not.  It isn’t funny.  And neither was last year’s season of 30 Rock.

Should you watch?  Nooooo.  But Parks & Rec will on an hour before this.  Watch that instead.  And then watch it again when this is on.

Allen Gregory, 8.30-9, Fox  (Oct 30)

This animated show is about a really smart 7-year-old who goes to a public elementary school.  You can bet he won’t fit in!  He also looks kind of like Kim Jong Il.

Should you watch?  Here’s where my bias comes in:  Just looking at a picture from it, I hate everything about it.  But there’s totally the demographic for cartoon Fox shows and French Stewart.  You know who you are.

Top 5 Comedies to Tune Into:

2 Broke Girls

New Girl

Suburgatory

Ooops.  There aren’t even five.  (can you believe NBC passed on their show about workers at a 17th century reenactment camp with Ed Begley Jr.?!)   But come January or so, check out Apartment 23 on Fox.  It’s supposed to be crazy funny.

Top 5 Comedies to Avoid at Any Cost:

Last Man Standing

Man Up

I Hate My Teenage Daughter

Free Agents

How to Be a Gentleman

(text by: Alex Trivilino)

Film:

• Drive (September 16): Other movies are coming out in September. Probably. But this is the only one that you need to pay $12 for. The plot (“A Hollywood stunt performer who moonlights as a wheelman discovers that a contract has been put on him after a heist gone wrong”) doesn’t necessarily sound like anything to write home about, but the cast of Ryan Gosling (who, if you haven’t heard, is the closest thing we have to a superhero on this awful earth), Carey Mulligan, and Christina Hendricks make this a must-see.

Televsion:

• 2 Broke Girls (September 19): This is a show that could go either way. All the ingredients are there — Kat Dennings as a fun-bitchy Brooklyn-based waitress who can pull off having a boy’s name; Michael Patrick King and Whitney Cummings are the creators, which is a strange, but exciting, combination; Molly McAleer, one of the funniest people on the Internet ever, is one of the writers. But it’s on CBS. And there’s a laugh-track. And the preview involves a joke about a horse.
  
• New Girl (September 20): The word twee was invented because Zooey Deschanel was born. That is a fact. If you want to know why we’re on the fence, check out the description on the official Fox site: “Jess (Deschanel)  is an offbeat and adorable girl in her late 20s who, after a bad breakup, moves in with three single guys. Although she’s dorky and awkward, she’s comfortable in her own skin. More prone to friendships with women, she’s not used to hanging with the boys.” If you want to know why we’ll still be tuning in on September 20, look at a picture of Zooey Deschanel.

Music:

• Father, Son, Holy Ghost by Girls (September 13): The expectations are high for this captivating garage rock band duo. Don’t believe us? Just check the Internet.
• Laura Marling (September 13): Marling’s third album will be a deeply honest and personal record and, presumably, not an upper. A Creature I Don’t Know, the first song released off the album, is haunting and lovely, which is what we’ve come to expect from Marling.

Clothing Lines:

• Missoni for Target (September 13): Objectively the most hyped-up Designer for Target line, well, ever. Get your zig-zag on and try not to get punched if you dare enter a Target on the 13th.
  
• Alexa Chung for Madwell (September 22): Madewell, J.Crew’s sassy younger sister, has done it again with this line by Alexa Chung. The full look-book has not been released, but expect to see lace details, Peter-Pan colors, leopard accents, and high-waisted bottoms. 

What are you most excited for in September?

• Arrested Development:  If you haven’t already watched this show, then you’re probably really sick of hearing about it. Arrested Development aired on the Fox “Killer of Quality Shows” Network in the early 2000s. This show centers on the dysfunctional Bluth family, and their struggle to get through bankruptcy, a patriarch in jail, living together in a model home, getting your hand bitten off by a seal, and various other completely normal family struggles. Even though the show only lasted three seasons, it’s untimely death left us with 53 near-pitch-perfect episodes of over-the-top comedy.

• Firefly: Also another causality of Fox, Firefly is Joss Whedon’s post-Buffy
  baby. Firefly tells the story of a rag-tag space ship crew of criminals who
  travel through a futuristic universe where everyone is kind of cowboys and
  there’s an evil government who loves to get in the way. Sound weird? It is. But in just 14 episodes, you’ll completely fall in love.

• Freaks and Geeks: An alternate name for Freaks and Geeks should be “A Bunch of Famous People Before They Were Famous”. The show, which ran for one, singular, glorious season was produced by Judd Apatow (ring a bell?) and stars, to name a few, James Franco, Seth Rogan, Jason Segel and Busy Phillips. Freaks and Geeks follows the Weir siblings (Linda Cardellini and John Francis Daley) as they journey through the often-painful trials and tribulations of high school. In just eighteen episodes, the show manages to tackle issues such as drugs, sex, having a party when your parents are gone, troubles at home, and overall, what it means to be cool when you just emerge from puberty.

• Twin Peaks: Picture in your head the movie Mullholland Drive. Alright, now picture the mind-bending what-the-hellness of that movie in a TV series. You now have a pretty good idea of what Twin Peaks is like. The David Lynch-produced sci-fi-but-not-really-but-still-kind-of show ran in the early 1990s for two seasons, and opens with the murder of young, beautiful and popular Laura Palmer and the introduction of Dale Cooper of the FBI, who comes to the small town of Twin Peaks to find out what exactly happened to her. And as always, things turn out to be a lot more complicated (and creepy) than they seem. Don’t watch this one with the lights off.

• Veronica Mars: Veronica Mars stars a younger Kristen Bell (of Forgetting Sarah Marshall fame, and…oh, I guess that’s kinda it, isn’t it? Because we’re not counting When in Rome) as the spunky title character, who is trying to make sense of her best friend, Lilly Kane’s, murder by solving it herself, much to the chagrin of her private detective father, who was ostracized for accusing one of the town’s wealthiest men of murdering Lilly. Throughout the series, Veronica solves a host of different smaller mysteries, while working towards solving the “big” one. And in the meantime, everyone in the town wants on her while simultaneously treating her like an outcast. Y’know, normal teen stuff. The show lasted for two and a half seasons, but odds are, you’ll finish it all in a week.

What shows do you wish never got the ax? Comment with your eulogy below.

(text by Erin Doolin)